


Alone

by RaggedRose



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-02-21
Updated: 2006-02-21
Packaged: 2018-08-16 05:25:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8088898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaggedRose/pseuds/RaggedRose
Summary: (12/05/2002)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: Author's Note: This is something that came to me after reading Ozchick_Steph's fic "Mementoes." This in no way reflects my feelings about R/S fic. I like it fine, I like most pairings if they're well written and convincing. Obviously "Mementoes" was, or this wouldn't have been the result. Coming out of lurkdom for a second--I posted this to another list and Sarah kindly suggested that I stick it up here as well. I've been greatly enjoying the fic that comes across this list, but I gotta admit that I haven't been able to keep up with you guys! Nice to know there are that many enthusiastic ENT fans, and I wish I had a whole lot more computer time than I did. If I could make a suggestion at this point, I think this tale reads better with pairing info at the end. If you want to know, you can find it all below. Bear in mind, however, that you can only read a fic for the first time once. Thanks to Taryn Eve for giving me feedback that enabled me to rewrite this piece.  


* * *

Every time I see them together, laughing in the mess hall or looking at each other across the bridge it's like he stuck a knife in my guts. 

I'll learn to deal with it. The hell if I'll let him see it. If what we had didn't mean that much to him, if he can't see how it twists me up to see them together then the hell with him. 

It's not her fault, after all. How could she know? He made damn sure we never told anyone. It was like he was ashamed to be with me. Maybe he was. Here I was, thinking we were living in the 22nd century. Seems like he was a couple hundred years behind me. 

This room never seemed so empty before. I never cared much where I slept before. I'm here to do a job, not to go on a cruise. I didn't bring all that much with me. It never seemed to matter before I had another person to share that narrow little bunk with. 

Truth to tell, there wasn't enough room on it for both of us. After the first time we ended up on the deck, I dug up another bunk pad. Much easier to just pull them both off and sleep down there. Seems strange now not to see both of them stacked up on my bunk. So strange not to wake up with his body pressed up against mine, his head resting on my shoulder like it was made to be there. 

Wonder if they're doing the same thing now? 

Why should I even be thinking about that? It's none of my damn business where they sleep. It isn't like this is the first time I've been dumped. What the hell is wrong with me? Why is it so much worse this time? How did he get so deep inside me? 

How could he do this to me and not even know it? 

Relationships end. I know that. You come to a point where you're making each other miserable instead of happy. Then it's time to move on. 

I've got to move on. 

Face it, you don't want to. 

It isn't like I have a choice. He doesn't want me any more. He made that pretty clear. He stood by the door like he wanted to get away and told me it was over. No arguments, no appeal. It was like a speech he rehearsed. Maybe he had. I just let him leave. I couldn't think of anything to say, I could barely breathe. He just kicked me in the teeth and left. By the time I'd found my feet, he was gone. 

Even now I'm numb. 

If I could just get mad at him, good and mad, maybe I could burn this out of me. I could get past it and be myself again. Start over as friends, really start over instead of just pretending I didn't care any more. Pretending that it was over for me too. 

Every time I walk out that door all I'm doing is pulling on a face. The one I wear for the crew. Most of all, the one I'll wear for him from now on. When will it become more than an act? 

What was so wonderful about him, after all? What ever made me think he'd unbent enough to let me in? He's nothing but a man with a hero complex and a little tiny heart. I was fooling myself to think he felt what I felt. I wonder if he's ever really loved anyone? I wonder if he really loves her? If he hurts her like he hurt me he'll pay. 

Listen to me. As if I had any right to charge in like the White Knight. 

It's over. Why can't I just accept that? It's what he'd tell me after all. If he did, I think I'd lose it. Really lose it. Wipe the floor with his scrawny ass. All the more reason to keep it to myself. I've still got a little pride left. 

Out there, I do. When I walk through this door it all just runs out of me. All the liquor in the world can't fill that hole. I want him so bad it hurts. I want what I'll never have again. I'm like the kid with his face against the candy store window. Every day I have to see him. Every night I remember him. 

When will this be over?


End file.
